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N nie Chai 安妮
 
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说话的艺术
急事 慢慢得说
大事 清清楚楚得说
小事 幽默得说
没把握的事 谨慎得说
没发生的事 不要说
做不到的事 别乱说
伤害人的事 不能说
不开心的事 找对象说
开心的事 看场合说
伤心的事 不要见人就说
别人的事 小心得说
自己的事 听听别人怎么说
尊长的事 多听少说
夫妻的事 商量着说
孩子们的事 开导着说
～安妮 N’nie与你共勉~
Something in the way she moves
这心底 一波接一波
无声的喧嚣
要远比海面的浪涛
更汹涌
却怎样
也无法理解
海浪它
一回复一回的
怒吼声
如何在不觉间
调息了
吵杂的心
～安妮 N'nie Chai与你共勉~
For the heart of gold
星星在天空中写诗
虫儿在地面上谱曲
我在这晶莹的夜
学习把每一个
或错过了
或来不及
一次次欲言又止
且羞于言说的
感恩与祝福
付托星星为我
一一一一的
向你们
传送
安妮 N'nie Chai与你共勉~
其实一直有人关心
有些人进入了我们的生命但很快就离开了
有些人成了我们的朋友
而有些则稍作停留，在我们的心中留下美丽的烙印
有人以你为荣
有人在想着你
有人在关心你
有人想念你
有人想和你说话
有人希望你不要陷入困境中
有人感谢你曾经提供的帮助
有人想握你的手
有人希望你事事顺心
有人希望你快乐
有人希望你能发现他的存在
有人因你的成功而为你喝采
有人希望给你一个礼物
有人认为你是一个礼物
有人希望你不要太冷、不要太热
有人想要拥抱你
有人爱你
有人敬佩你的坚强
有人想念着你且一想到你就会心一笑
有人想靠在你的肩膀
有人想跟着你走,享受许多的乐趣
有人想保护你
有人愿意为了你做任何事
有人想得到你的宽恕
有人欢喜得到你的宽恕
有人想和你一起笑
有人记得你，并希望你就在他们身边
有人因你而赞美上帝
有人需要知道你对他的爱是绝对的
有人想告诉你，他有多在乎你
有人希望和你一起分享他的梦想
有人想拥你入怀
有人希望你拥他入怀
有人珍惜你的灵魂
有人因为你而希望时间就此停住
有人因你的友谊和爱而赞美主
有人等不及想见你
有人爱你给他们的感觉
有人想和你在一起
有人希望你知道他们在身边支持你
有人很高兴你是他的朋友
有人希望做你的朋友
有人整夜睡不着地想念你
有人希望你能注意到他
有人想要更了解你
有人想要接近你
有人相信你
有人信任你
有人需要你寄给他这封信
有人需要你的支持
有人需要你相信他
有人会因看到这封信而哭
有人希望成为你的朋友
有时候你一定忘记了，其实，一直有人关心你。
★。 ★。 ‘★．祝 ‘★． `★`你 ‘★． ★•开‘★． `★`心 `★`★`★ `★`永 ★•远‘★． `★`快 ‘★． ‘★．乐 ‘★． ★。 ★。
When someone loves you, you don’t relize it. When you realize it, it is too late. You always love the one who leaves you&leave the one who loves you.
★★★★★ ★★★★★┊ ★★★祝你快乐★★★★ ┊★★★★★★★★★ ┊┊┊★★★★★┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊★★★┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊┊★┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊☆┊┊┊┊┊☆┊┊ ☆ ┊☆┊ ┊ ┊☆┊★☆┊┊
In life Love is never planned nor does it happen for a reason. But when Love is real, it becomes your plane for life and your reason for living.
┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊★★★ ★★★┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊★踩踩踩★ ★踩踩踩★┊┊┊ ┊┊┊★★★★★★★★★★★┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊★★祝幸福快乐★★┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊┊┊┊★★★┊┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊★┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊★┊┊┊┊┊☆┊┊┊☆┊☆┊ ┊┊☆ ┊☆┊☆┊┊★┊┊┊☆┊┊ ┊┊┊┊☆┊☆┊┊┊┊┊☆┊┊☆┊
To Love is a duty &right. To be loved is a gift and luck. To love someone who loves you is an achievement. To be loved by someone whom you love is LIFE!
Do not wait
爱，永远禁不起等待
Don’t wait for a smile to be nice...
不要等到了一个笑容才面露慈善
Don’t wait to be loved, to love.
不要等被爱了以后，才要去爱
Don’t wait to be lonely, to recognize the value of a friend.
不要等到寂寞了，才明白朋友的价值。
Don’t wait for the best job, to begin to work.
不要非要等到一份最好的工作，才要开始工作
Don’t wait to have a lot, to share a bit.
不要等拥有许多后，才开始分享一些
Don’t wait for the fall, to remember the advice.
不要等到失败后，才记得别人的忠告
Don’t wait for pain, to believe in prayer.
不要等到受伤了，才相信愿意祈祷
Don’t wait to have time, to be able to serve.
不一定要等到有时间，才能够去付出服务
Don’t wait for anybody else pain, to ask for apologies...
不要等别人受伤了，才来乞求原谅
... neither separation to make it up.
不要等到分开了，才想到去挽回
Don’t wait...Because you don’t know how long it will take.
不要等待,因为，你不知道等待需要花费多少的时间
Remember: Friendship is like wine, it gets better as it grows older.
记得：友谊像醇酒，越久越浓.
我会等你回来...
I started to realizeNothing is Forever
I am very afraid of being alone. Yet, as time passes I am getting lonelier. Sometimes I really wish there is someone who can lend me a shoulder to cry on.
What have I done wrong that god always played such game with me? It is very tiring to go through all these time and again. It is only getting much painful and not happier. Am I really wrong to be nice to the one I love? What have I done wrong in my previous life? What was wrong with me? I only put my heart each time I fallen. Is it wrong? Why I only get hurt in return?
It cuts me like a razor, it bleeds my heart. It pulls me up and breaks me each time I have stood up. Why must I keep going through the dark side of love? Where is the brighter side?
I have been trying not to cry, trying to be happy. Even go to the extent of put on a smile when I am not feeling good deep inside. Who understand what I am going through? Who know how it feels like to miss someone yet you couldnt show? Who know how it feels like to treat someone you love as friend, in fact a very close friend? Who know how it feels like when things seems normal yet it is just different? Who know how it feels like when you feel like crying and yet you have feigned as though it means nothing to you? Who know how it feels like to cry in an empty house with all cold walls not reacting? Who know how it feels like to hold the tears that about to be fallen? Who know how it feels like to love someone but you know he is happy with the other person not you? Who know how it feels like to be sad and lonely for whole 8 years?
I may appear to be strong. I may seem as though I am different. But everyone forgotten I am only a human. I need to love and be loved. I need to be appreciated. I need to be showered with care and concerns too. I need time. I need supports. I need a pillar. I need shelter. I need a shipyard myself. I need everything human needs. It is so difficult to be a woman. It is so difficult to love a person. It is so difficult to be loved. It is so difficult to live alone. It is so difficult to forget. It is so difficult to let go. It is so difficult..
- It is so difficult
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:00 PM
Today, intentionally to take an off so that I would have a long weekend so as to have a good break. But unexpectedly, I ended up weeping for hours. I dont understand why. On last Saturday, I went out with a group of close friends. I wasnt really happy since the start of the day. I tried to on my smiles and jokes as often as I used to be yet failed terribly. We had dinner but I felt a sense of loneliness despite having them around me racking up how life has been. I felt distant with everyone. Im most of the time paralyzed with words and decided to keep quiet. Im so lost; Soon after dinner, I tried to behave like I used to be; joking around, disturbing everyone with my harmless sarcasm. But to no avail. I felt as though Im;locking myself. Im not happy for the past many months, not even once. Im devastated, yet willingly or unwillingly, I have to put on a smile and act as though everything is fine. In the car, listening to songs which remind me of someone was tearing me apart. I know I cant cry in the car, I know someone in the car will tell someone, I act as thought nothing but crying deep inside. It was painstaking. There come the singing session at one of my friend house. The room was dark that you couldnt really see each other face clearly. Nobody realized I eventually cried when listening to some songs which reminded me of the past. Im restless. Most of the time when they asked me to sings I didnt really singing with emotion because Im afraid they could hear my weeping voice. Went to the toilet time and again to wipe away my tear lines and went in the room with smile again. The on and on process was excruciating. Only till the last song I was singing, I released my feeling, staring at the screen remembering the past I ever had. All the memories; the love and tender; the care and concerns were sweet yet piecing my heart callously. Sunday, I went out with one of my army friend. We talked about many things that had happened to us. I realized a lot of them whom I knew had changed as time changed. He kept me accompany throughout the day. He was listening to me, showing care and concern as well as giving encouragement and advices despite having his own problems. And he even tried to lift my mood up. Though he failed, I appreciated his effort and time given. When we were at Orchard and Plaza Singapura where there were many sore memories, the feelings were really bad. Places where he and I went, places where we played and disturbed each other, were fresh yet fading, and blurring. Today, when I was all left alone. My mind started to drift away when I was left idling. I got myself occupied by singing and finding friends to chat with me. But when the more I tried to look for someone to keep me accompany, I found none. That torn me further. At that moment, I have an urge of wanting to go back camp and work. But I know I cant. I was talking to him today. We sounded like strangers. We both have changed. he no longer knows how to talk to me and our topics become lesser and lesser. We werent as closed as before. I was crying while talking to him for hours yet the numbers of sentences could be accounted for. This was how bad things have become because of my foolishness and boorishness. he still called me dear; but was getting meaningless; I know for what I have gone through, I have to accept the fact that I cant do anything to change the current situation. I also understand that, we will never be close again. I am sorry. I know I am not a good girl. I hurt. I am really sorry. Two more months to the deadline of forgetting you yet I am not even half way through;
- Losing friends... Losing myself
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:10 PM
Maybe it's time to stop and think About how we really feel It's time for us to figure out What in our lives is real No more false realities Let's lay the fake at rest No more ignoring the obvious Let's put it to the test So much we have been through Many memories we have shared No matter the way we showed it Both of us have always cared So much I've began to think My worst fear is comming true First I fell head over heels And now I'm losing you It's scaring me to death A while I've felt this way The thought of losing you Just takes my breath away It seems as though were holding on To something in the past It hurts so much asking myself How much longer we can last With time and distance between us We both have our things to do Though we'll never be together I'm still very much in love with you Whether it's wrong or right It's still a feeling really strong But since we can't be as one Maybe it's where we belong If everything happens for a reason Perhaps were where we should be Still I love you with all my heart And you feel the same towards me I'll be here forever more Until forever meets it's end No matter where life takes us You'll always be my friend....
- You're always my friend
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:20PM
The end of year 2006 and the start of year 2007 was a painful one for me. I have gone through a lot of unhappiness and sadness throughout the year 2006. Today, it is New Year and yet I cried deep inside my heart pretending that everything is fine. It is tough. Walking through places where there were memories hurts me. I feel like crying but I cant cry in the public. I held back my tears. The feeling of holding back the tears and still have to smile putting on a strong front is much more painful than you can imagine. Christmas was the day I realized that something has come to an end. In fact it was December I feel the storm coming. I understand and know that this ending is expected because of many factors. But because I dont wish to hurt the one I love, I chose to hurt myself. Perhaps, we were just never meant to be. These were the 4th time I fallen for him and were the 4th time he breaks my heart. I think I should face the fact that we will never be together regardless of whether there were any rivals or not. We were just only meant to be friends and only friends;( I was told to strive for what I want. I was given the hope to fight on. I was given everything that seems so fine that it pushed me forward. But I was hurt at the end of the day despite knowing that this will happened way before things started. I should have trusted myself but I chose otherwise believing that there will be a changed. However, I am too na飗e to believe that will happened. Everything is like history repeating itself. No matter how much I strive to love someone, I end up being the one that is hurt. I end up seeing the one I love holding others hands. I end up have to put a strong front so that he wouldnt feel guilty. I have to fake as though nothing has happened when I see him despite that I always get a cold shoulder when I being nice to him as per normal and get hurt in return. I know I have to endure all these or else it will turn out to be one I have in my poly life. I regretted to lose a friend, and in fact lose a group of friends. I know I cant salvage this anymore. I can only move on. Though they might not treat me as a friend anymore, but they will always be my friends. Once my friends, forever my friends. I start to hate holiday seasons. It hurts me to see people alongside the road celebrating the festivals with their love ones. Even those without love, they too have friends to celebrate all these festivals with laughter and joys. I have neither. Sometimes, I feel that my friends are getting lesser and lesser each day passes. Who can I blame? I can only blame myself. Cause I am not good myself. How much I wish I were still in secondary school? I have more friends then. And I have more supports and love from friends and mentors. So many unhappiness things happened. (1) I have to work overtime consecutively for weeks even my weekends are burned. Even working on new year eve. (2) I have to spend Christmas and New Year filled with sadness. (3) I have lost the one I love. And, yet I worried that he has no one to turn to in times of need though knowing that he has a girlfriend to turn to. I dont know why am I doing all these for? (4) Because of love, I almost, or more or less, loose a very close friend. I doubt we were still being as close as we used to be. I regretted to tell him how I feel to him despite we know we love each other. (5) I have to do duties when all my friends had half day on that duty day. People are doing one duty and yet I have two. (6) I dont have anyone to talk to when in times of needs. No one was there to listen and help me. I can only cry alone. (7) I am alone most of the time when I need someone there to comfort me. But I dont know who I should call. In the end, I turned to people whom I am not close with. End up crying inside my heart instead. (8) I have to cry alone every night because I cannot let my parents and siblings know that I am crying. And only when I am in the room, locked up, and there is where I can cry freely. I am very tired and feel like giving up everything. I am now trying to keep myself occupied throughout every day. Keep dwelling in work so that I will not be left idle. I know that many will misunderstand that I am trying to be section commander, but I just want to make myself feel better. I know I will be alone when I reached home especially when everyone is asleep. That where I needed someone with me the most. But it was so late in the night that most of time in fact every time, I keep everything to myself. Who can I turn to? Even if I have one, I also wouldnt dare to disturb them. They too have their own problems and commitments. Love ends. Friendship ends. I am left all alone now
- Thoughts... Pains... Memories...
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:30PM
(I don't know why when I am listening or even singing this song, I am tearing. Feel an ache in my heart. It is so difficult to control sometimes.) Love. Ending.
- I can't descibe how I feel.
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:40PM
Over the past few weeks, I have been passing my weekends alone. I went out alone to places where there were crowds. Im walking in the crowd but my soul and heart werent with me. I have no friend like others to hold my hands tight to. I have no friends around to talk to or even entertain me. I have nothing. What I did were walking aimlessly and dreamed. Loneliness is not what I cant endure, but because I have been missing h too much. Seemingly, I have been trying to cry, especially in the night where I am all alone. But I just cant regardless how much I forced myself. The usual short messages and calls have disappeared in a breeze. My mobile phone stops blinking and singing in the night to lift my mood. The usual caring and loving voice is gone. The usual conversation, too, has gone. Everything just stopped in just a couple of days. What we have built over the months toppled without any warnings. It is hurting but I cant show; because I know this will happen one day as I know we were never going to be together. After all, he is still holding on to the other gals hands. His heart doesnt contain my soul, only my shadow. Many years of friendship may end just because of my foolishness to express my feeling to him. This close-friendship may also end because of me; I believe I will, if anything bad going to happen between us, I would be cold towards him. I know this way I will be going to hurt him, but I really have no idea what I will do when thing happens as I have being doing so for many years. I just hope that I will be able to face him if things are going bad. In terms of relationship, how am I supposed to continue being initiative and loving when the other party doesnt give me any good responds? Each time I put my heart into it, it seems like it is nothing to him. Sometimes, when I try to show care and concern, I get cold respond instead. Perhaps, my million words mean nothing to him. Or, my words worth much lesser than the other. How long and how much more can I take to continue being nice and loving to him? I cant blame all those who ever hurt me before. Perhaps, I dont know how to love a person. Or maybe I also dont know how to cherish someone as I always give them up to someone else whom I think more superior than me. I remembered one of my close friends told me this before, maybe he knows how to woo a girl better than you do;Maybe, I am not experienced reason being I have always been failing. It just I am being cursed. Every time when both parties love each other, someone or something will have to interrupt the progress. Why? When each other knows that we love each other, we have to force to break the bond? Why? Whenever I put my heart to love someone, I end up being the one that is hurt? Why? Again, I will take all the blame. This is not the first time. Someone else has hurt me. And I will take all the blame so that the one I love will live happily and in the process forget me. Love. Hurt.
- I take the blame
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:50PM
I have been thinking a lot recently. Many of which were based on my personal feeling towards what has happened. Perhaps, I have made a mistake by sending him a letter at which I felt that I could encourage and push him forward but it seemed to backfire. His immediate respond was a sudden coldness to me. In fact, it became worst off by replying my messages with mere one or two words. Did I say something wrong in the letter which makes him feel that I am rushing him for an answer? Making him feel that I giving up on him? Or making him feels that I am pushing him away to someone else? Seriously, I have no ideas. To me, it just a normal letter that I want to let him know that no matter what happen, I will always be there for him and always be the usual dear dear; to him. A closed friend of mine has told me that even if we were to be together, there will still be problems within us. True, I cannot agree more. I think as much too. I believe that he would still remember all his ex-girlfriends despite being with me. He cant let go of those relationships he had, its obvious. I also believe in between us, there is still one person, that is, a friend of mine whom love him too, coming our way, obstructing our progress. He fears to hurt him, but indirectly, he is hurting me. Apparently, I may not show but deep inside, it hurts deeply which I succumb and hold back my tears. He is also a person who falls in love easily, whilst I am a person who would not fall easily unless I choose to open up my heart to that person. There are many more problems I foresee which are difficult to depict. I am having a dilemma to which paths I have to choose. One, hold on and wait till an answer is given. Two, give up and may regret again like the past. I really dont know which path is the right choice to take. Either way seems no good to me. If I never told him my feeling and he didnt responded to me the same way. Today, I may not have this problem. I brought upon it myself. How am I supposed to blame him for that? If he chooses not to hurt by telling me that he loves me, I understand his intention, but it hurts me more at the end of the day. If he really meant what he said, then, why doing many things which hurt me? Seriously, I really dont know what he wants and I believe he hisself doesnt know what he wants. Sometimes, I feel that he rather hurt me once and for all. He is relatively special in the sense that I fall for him time and again. I dont know why I will open up my heart for him despite many past hurting experiences. I have been questioning myself lately. I even asked myself, why I felt hurt whenever he is cold towards me, but I drop no tears. Why even when I am sad because of him, when he talks to me, my mood will change accordingly? Why am I affected by his mood? Why when I feel that he will be better off with someone else rather than me, I do feel hurt but when the thought of seeing his smiles and laughs everyday, I feel that my scarification is worthwhile? I really dont know why I willing to sacrifice for him and not crying at all? Perhaps, my love for him is not as deep. One thing I am not sure till today, why his actions and words dont coincide? I yet to know the answer; maybe he has made a choice, but doesnt dare to tell me afraid of hurting me. And, I am prepared for the worst to come;it will come to light one day...
- It will come to light one day..
Dreamt by N'NIE
有些人进入了我们的生命但很快就离开了
有些人成了我们的朋友
而有些则稍作停留，在我们的心中留下美丽的烙印
有人以你为荣
有人在想着你
有人在关心你
有人想念你
有人想和你说话
有人希望你不要陷入困境中
有人感谢你曾经提供的帮助
有人想握你的手
有人希望你事事顺心
有人希望你快乐
有人希望你能发现他的存在
有人因你的成功而为你喝采
有人希望给你一个礼物
有人认为你是一个礼物
有人希望你不要太冷、不要太热
有人想要拥抱你
有人爱你
有人敬佩你的坚强
有人想念着你且一想到你就会心一笑
有人想靠在你的肩膀
有人想跟着你走,享受许多的乐趣
有人想保护你
有人愿意为了你做任何事
有人想得到你的宽恕
有人欢喜得到你的宽恕
有人想和你一起笑
有人记得你，并希望你就在他们身边
有人因你而赞美上帝
有人需要知道你对他的爱是绝对的
有人想告诉你，他有多在乎你
有人希望和你一起分享他的梦想
有人想拥你入怀
有人希望你拥他入怀
有人珍惜你的灵魂
有人因为你而希望时间就此停住
有人因你的友谊和爱而赞美主
有人等不及想见你
有人爱你给他们的感觉
有人想和你在一起
有人希望你知道他们在身边支持你
有人很高兴你是他的朋友
有人希望做你的朋友
有人整夜睡不着地想念你
有人希望你能注意到他
有人想要更了解你
有人想要接近你
有人相信你
有人信任你
有人需要你寄给他这封信
有人需要你的支持
有人需要你相信他
有人会因看到这封信而哭
有人希望成为你的朋友
有时候你一定忘记了，其实，一直有人关心你。
★。 ★。 ‘★．祝 ‘★． `★`你 ‘★． ★•开‘★． `★`心 `★`★`★ `★`永 ★•远‘★． `★`快 ‘★． ‘★．乐 ‘★． ★。 ★。
When someone loves you, you don’t relize it. When you realize it, it is too late. You always love the one who leaves you&leave the one who loves you.
★★★★★ ★★★★★┊ ★★★祝你快乐★★★★ ┊★★★★★★★★★ ┊┊┊★★★★★┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊★★★┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊┊★┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊☆┊┊┊┊┊☆┊┊ ☆ ┊☆┊ ┊ ┊☆┊★☆┊┊
In life Love is never planned nor does it happen for a reason. But when Love is real, it becomes your plane for life and your reason for living.
┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊★★★ ★★★┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊★踩踩踩★ ★踩踩踩★┊┊┊ ┊┊┊★★★★★★★★★★★┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊★★祝幸福快乐★★┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊┊┊┊★★★┊┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊★┊┊┊┊┊┊┊┊ ┊┊┊★┊┊┊┊┊☆┊┊┊☆┊☆┊ ┊┊☆ ┊☆┊☆┊┊★┊┊┊☆┊┊ ┊┊┊┊☆┊☆┊┊┊┊┊☆┊┊☆┊
To Love is a duty &right. To be loved is a gift and luck. To love someone who loves you is an achievement. To be loved by someone whom you love is LIFE!
Do not wait
爱，永远禁不起等待
Don’t wait for a smile to be nice...
不要等到了一个笑容才面露慈善
Don’t wait to be loved, to love.
不要等被爱了以后，才要去爱
Don’t wait to be lonely, to recognize the value of a friend.
不要等到寂寞了，才明白朋友的价值。
Don’t wait for the best job, to begin to work.
不要非要等到一份最好的工作，才要开始工作
Don’t wait to have a lot, to share a bit.
不要等拥有许多后，才开始分享一些
Don’t wait for the fall, to remember the advice.
不要等到失败后，才记得别人的忠告
Don’t wait for pain, to believe in prayer.
不要等到受伤了，才相信愿意祈祷
Don’t wait to have time, to be able to serve.
不一定要等到有时间，才能够去付出服务
Don’t wait for anybody else pain, to ask for apologies...
不要等别人受伤了，才来乞求原谅
... neither separation to make it up.
不要等到分开了，才想到去挽回
Don’t wait...Because you don’t know how long it will take.
不要等待,因为，你不知道等待需要花费多少的时间
Remember: Friendship is like wine, it gets better as it grows older.
记得：友谊像醇酒，越久越浓.
我会等你回来...
I started to realizeNothing is Forever
I am very afraid of being alone. Yet, as time passes I am getting lonelier. Sometimes I really wish there is someone who can lend me a shoulder to cry on.
What have I done wrong that god always played such game with me? It is very tiring to go through all these time and again. It is only getting much painful and not happier. Am I really wrong to be nice to the one I love? What have I done wrong in my previous life? What was wrong with me? I only put my heart each time I fallen. Is it wrong? Why I only get hurt in return?
It cuts me like a razor, it bleeds my heart. It pulls me up and breaks me each time I have stood up. Why must I keep going through the dark side of love? Where is the brighter side?
I have been trying not to cry, trying to be happy. Even go to the extent of put on a smile when I am not feeling good deep inside. Who understand what I am going through? Who know how it feels like to miss someone yet you couldnt show? Who know how it feels like to treat someone you love as friend, in fact a very close friend? Who know how it feels like when things seems normal yet it is just different? Who know how it feels like when you feel like crying and yet you have feigned as though it means nothing to you? Who know how it feels like to cry in an empty house with all cold walls not reacting? Who know how it feels like to hold the tears that about to be fallen? Who know how it feels like to love someone but you know he is happy with the other person not you? Who know how it feels like to be sad and lonely for whole 8 years?
I may appear to be strong. I may seem as though I am different. But everyone forgotten I am only a human. I need to love and be loved. I need to be appreciated. I need to be showered with care and concerns too. I need time. I need supports. I need a pillar. I need shelter. I need a shipyard myself. I need everything human needs. It is so difficult to be a woman. It is so difficult to love a person. It is so difficult to be loved. It is so difficult to live alone. It is so difficult to forget. It is so difficult to let go. It is so difficult..
- It is so difficult
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:00 PM
Today, intentionally to take an off so that I would have a long weekend so as to have a good break. But unexpectedly, I ended up weeping for hours. I dont understand why. On last Saturday, I went out with a group of close friends. I wasnt really happy since the start of the day. I tried to on my smiles and jokes as often as I used to be yet failed terribly. We had dinner but I felt a sense of loneliness despite having them around me racking up how life has been. I felt distant with everyone. Im most of the time paralyzed with words and decided to keep quiet. Im so lost; Soon after dinner, I tried to behave like I used to be; joking around, disturbing everyone with my harmless sarcasm. But to no avail. I felt as though Im;locking myself. Im not happy for the past many months, not even once. Im devastated, yet willingly or unwillingly, I have to put on a smile and act as though everything is fine. In the car, listening to songs which remind me of someone was tearing me apart. I know I cant cry in the car, I know someone in the car will tell someone, I act as thought nothing but crying deep inside. It was painstaking. There come the singing session at one of my friend house. The room was dark that you couldnt really see each other face clearly. Nobody realized I eventually cried when listening to some songs which reminded me of the past. Im restless. Most of the time when they asked me to sings I didnt really singing with emotion because Im afraid they could hear my weeping voice. Went to the toilet time and again to wipe away my tear lines and went in the room with smile again. The on and on process was excruciating. Only till the last song I was singing, I released my feeling, staring at the screen remembering the past I ever had. All the memories; the love and tender; the care and concerns were sweet yet piecing my heart callously. Sunday, I went out with one of my army friend. We talked about many things that had happened to us. I realized a lot of them whom I knew had changed as time changed. He kept me accompany throughout the day. He was listening to me, showing care and concern as well as giving encouragement and advices despite having his own problems. And he even tried to lift my mood up. Though he failed, I appreciated his effort and time given. When we were at Orchard and Plaza Singapura where there were many sore memories, the feelings were really bad. Places where he and I went, places where we played and disturbed each other, were fresh yet fading, and blurring. Today, when I was all left alone. My mind started to drift away when I was left idling. I got myself occupied by singing and finding friends to chat with me. But when the more I tried to look for someone to keep me accompany, I found none. That torn me further. At that moment, I have an urge of wanting to go back camp and work. But I know I cant. I was talking to him today. We sounded like strangers. We both have changed. he no longer knows how to talk to me and our topics become lesser and lesser. We werent as closed as before. I was crying while talking to him for hours yet the numbers of sentences could be accounted for. This was how bad things have become because of my foolishness and boorishness. he still called me dear; but was getting meaningless; I know for what I have gone through, I have to accept the fact that I cant do anything to change the current situation. I also understand that, we will never be close again. I am sorry. I know I am not a good girl. I hurt. I am really sorry. Two more months to the deadline of forgetting you yet I am not even half way through;
- Losing friends... Losing myself
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:10 PM
Maybe it's time to stop and think About how we really feel It's time for us to figure out What in our lives is real No more false realities Let's lay the fake at rest No more ignoring the obvious Let's put it to the test So much we have been through Many memories we have shared No matter the way we showed it Both of us have always cared So much I've began to think My worst fear is comming true First I fell head over heels And now I'm losing you It's scaring me to death A while I've felt this way The thought of losing you Just takes my breath away It seems as though were holding on To something in the past It hurts so much asking myself How much longer we can last With time and distance between us We both have our things to do Though we'll never be together I'm still very much in love with you Whether it's wrong or right It's still a feeling really strong But since we can't be as one Maybe it's where we belong If everything happens for a reason Perhaps were where we should be Still I love you with all my heart And you feel the same towards me I'll be here forever more Until forever meets it's end No matter where life takes us You'll always be my friend....
- You're always my friend
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:20PM
The end of year 2006 and the start of year 2007 was a painful one for me. I have gone through a lot of unhappiness and sadness throughout the year 2006. Today, it is New Year and yet I cried deep inside my heart pretending that everything is fine. It is tough. Walking through places where there were memories hurts me. I feel like crying but I cant cry in the public. I held back my tears. The feeling of holding back the tears and still have to smile putting on a strong front is much more painful than you can imagine. Christmas was the day I realized that something has come to an end. In fact it was December I feel the storm coming. I understand and know that this ending is expected because of many factors. But because I dont wish to hurt the one I love, I chose to hurt myself. Perhaps, we were just never meant to be. These were the 4th time I fallen for him and were the 4th time he breaks my heart. I think I should face the fact that we will never be together regardless of whether there were any rivals or not. We were just only meant to be friends and only friends;( I was told to strive for what I want. I was given the hope to fight on. I was given everything that seems so fine that it pushed me forward. But I was hurt at the end of the day despite knowing that this will happened way before things started. I should have trusted myself but I chose otherwise believing that there will be a changed. However, I am too na飗e to believe that will happened. Everything is like history repeating itself. No matter how much I strive to love someone, I end up being the one that is hurt. I end up seeing the one I love holding others hands. I end up have to put a strong front so that he wouldnt feel guilty. I have to fake as though nothing has happened when I see him despite that I always get a cold shoulder when I being nice to him as per normal and get hurt in return. I know I have to endure all these or else it will turn out to be one I have in my poly life. I regretted to lose a friend, and in fact lose a group of friends. I know I cant salvage this anymore. I can only move on. Though they might not treat me as a friend anymore, but they will always be my friends. Once my friends, forever my friends. I start to hate holiday seasons. It hurts me to see people alongside the road celebrating the festivals with their love ones. Even those without love, they too have friends to celebrate all these festivals with laughter and joys. I have neither. Sometimes, I feel that my friends are getting lesser and lesser each day passes. Who can I blame? I can only blame myself. Cause I am not good myself. How much I wish I were still in secondary school? I have more friends then. And I have more supports and love from friends and mentors. So many unhappiness things happened. (1) I have to work overtime consecutively for weeks even my weekends are burned. Even working on new year eve. (2) I have to spend Christmas and New Year filled with sadness. (3) I have lost the one I love. And, yet I worried that he has no one to turn to in times of need though knowing that he has a girlfriend to turn to. I dont know why am I doing all these for? (4) Because of love, I almost, or more or less, loose a very close friend. I doubt we were still being as close as we used to be. I regretted to tell him how I feel to him despite we know we love each other. (5) I have to do duties when all my friends had half day on that duty day. People are doing one duty and yet I have two. (6) I dont have anyone to talk to when in times of needs. No one was there to listen and help me. I can only cry alone. (7) I am alone most of the time when I need someone there to comfort me. But I dont know who I should call. In the end, I turned to people whom I am not close with. End up crying inside my heart instead. (8) I have to cry alone every night because I cannot let my parents and siblings know that I am crying. And only when I am in the room, locked up, and there is where I can cry freely. I am very tired and feel like giving up everything. I am now trying to keep myself occupied throughout every day. Keep dwelling in work so that I will not be left idle. I know that many will misunderstand that I am trying to be section commander, but I just want to make myself feel better. I know I will be alone when I reached home especially when everyone is asleep. That where I needed someone with me the most. But it was so late in the night that most of time in fact every time, I keep everything to myself. Who can I turn to? Even if I have one, I also wouldnt dare to disturb them. They too have their own problems and commitments. Love ends. Friendship ends. I am left all alone now
- Thoughts... Pains... Memories...
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:30PM
(I don't know why when I am listening or even singing this song, I am tearing. Feel an ache in my heart. It is so difficult to control sometimes.) Love. Ending.
- I can't descibe how I feel.
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:40PM
Over the past few weeks, I have been passing my weekends alone. I went out alone to places where there were crowds. Im walking in the crowd but my soul and heart werent with me. I have no friend like others to hold my hands tight to. I have no friends around to talk to or even entertain me. I have nothing. What I did were walking aimlessly and dreamed. Loneliness is not what I cant endure, but because I have been missing h too much. Seemingly, I have been trying to cry, especially in the night where I am all alone. But I just cant regardless how much I forced myself. The usual short messages and calls have disappeared in a breeze. My mobile phone stops blinking and singing in the night to lift my mood. The usual caring and loving voice is gone. The usual conversation, too, has gone. Everything just stopped in just a couple of days. What we have built over the months toppled without any warnings. It is hurting but I cant show; because I know this will happen one day as I know we were never going to be together. After all, he is still holding on to the other gals hands. His heart doesnt contain my soul, only my shadow. Many years of friendship may end just because of my foolishness to express my feeling to him. This close-friendship may also end because of me; I believe I will, if anything bad going to happen between us, I would be cold towards him. I know this way I will be going to hurt him, but I really have no idea what I will do when thing happens as I have being doing so for many years. I just hope that I will be able to face him if things are going bad. In terms of relationship, how am I supposed to continue being initiative and loving when the other party doesnt give me any good responds? Each time I put my heart into it, it seems like it is nothing to him. Sometimes, when I try to show care and concern, I get cold respond instead. Perhaps, my million words mean nothing to him. Or, my words worth much lesser than the other. How long and how much more can I take to continue being nice and loving to him? I cant blame all those who ever hurt me before. Perhaps, I dont know how to love a person. Or maybe I also dont know how to cherish someone as I always give them up to someone else whom I think more superior than me. I remembered one of my close friends told me this before, maybe he knows how to woo a girl better than you do;Maybe, I am not experienced reason being I have always been failing. It just I am being cursed. Every time when both parties love each other, someone or something will have to interrupt the progress. Why? When each other knows that we love each other, we have to force to break the bond? Why? Whenever I put my heart to love someone, I end up being the one that is hurt? Why? Again, I will take all the blame. This is not the first time. Someone else has hurt me. And I will take all the blame so that the one I love will live happily and in the process forget me. Love. Hurt.
- I take the blame
Dreamt by N'NIE@ 2:50PM
I have been thinking a lot recently. Many of which were based on my personal feeling towards what has happened. Perhaps, I have made a mistake by sending him a letter at which I felt that I could encourage and push him forward but it seemed to backfire. His immediate respond was a sudden coldness to me. In fact, it became worst off by replying my messages with mere one or two words. Did I say something wrong in the letter which makes him feel that I am rushing him for an answer? Making him feel that I giving up on him? Or making him feels that I am pushing him away to someone else? Seriously, I have no ideas. To me, it just a normal letter that I want to let him know that no matter what happen, I will always be there for him and always be the usual dear dear; to him. A closed friend of mine has told me that even if we were to be together, there will still be problems within us. True, I cannot agree more. I think as much too. I believe that he would still remember all his ex-girlfriends despite being with me. He cant let go of those relationships he had, its obvious. I also believe in between us, there is still one person, that is, a friend of mine whom love him too, coming our way, obstructing our progress. He fears to hurt him, but indirectly, he is hurting me. Apparently, I may not show but deep inside, it hurts deeply which I succumb and hold back my tears. He is also a person who falls in love easily, whilst I am a person who would not fall easily unless I choose to open up my heart to that person. There are many more problems I foresee which are difficult to depict. I am having a dilemma to which paths I have to choose. One, hold on and wait till an answer is given. Two, give up and may regret again like the past. I really dont know which path is the right choice to take. Either way seems no good to me. If I never told him my feeling and he didnt responded to me the same way. Today, I may not have this problem. I brought upon it myself. How am I supposed to blame him for that? If he chooses not to hurt by telling me that he loves me, I understand his intention, but it hurts me more at the end of the day. If he really meant what he said, then, why doing many things which hurt me? Seriously, I really dont know what he wants and I believe he hisself doesnt know what he wants. Sometimes, I feel that he rather hurt me once and for all. He is relatively special in the sense that I fall for him time and again. I dont know why I will open up my heart for him despite many past hurting experiences. I have been questioning myself lately. I even asked myself, why I felt hurt whenever he is cold towards me, but I drop no tears. Why even when I am sad because of him, when he talks to me, my mood will change accordingly? Why am I affected by his mood? Why when I feel that he will be better off with someone else rather than me, I do feel hurt but when the thought of seeing his smiles and laughs everyday, I feel that my scarification is worthwhile? I really dont know why I willing to sacrifice for him and not crying at all? Perhaps, my love for him is not as deep. One thing I am not sure till today, why his actions and words dont coincide? I yet to know the answer; maybe he has made a choice, but doesnt dare to tell me afraid of hurting me. And, I am prepared for the worst to come;it will come to light one day...
- It will come to light one day..
Dreamt by N'NIE
天意___N'nie Chai 安妮
Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering. I cried from the day he told me, "Thing cannot be settle cannot come back, take good care of yourself..."
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Love From N'nie Chai
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