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"Eh? Speak up! Stand up straight! Where's your sweater,
you'll catch your death!! Fetch me my tea! If a boy of mine
had..."
More about Aunt Matilda
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Schools (Other):
Crusty Mudhole Grammar School, Crusty Mudhole, Dakota Territory. Miss Edna Horsecrank's Feminine Seminary, Bitter Prairie, Minnesota
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Occupation:
Spinster
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Affiliations:
Ladies' Christian Total Abstinence Union
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Hobbies and Interests:
Spinning, temperance, diverticulitis, writing notes to myself, saving rags, hoarding food, waxing the insides of my wastebaskets, resisting temptation, forever waiting for my lost lover to return to me
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Favorite Books:
The Bible (King James Version), Sixteen Plain and Short Discourses on the Principal Doctrines of the Gospel Intended for the Use of Families, Sunday-Schools or Companies Assembled for Religious Instruction in Country Villages, Vol. IV. Third Edition
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Favorite Movies:
Birth of Nation
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Favorite Music:
John Phillip Sousa's gramophone recordings always set my toes to tapping
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Favorite TV Shows:
The frivolous Tele-Vision machine is not an asset to a sober constitution!
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About Me:
Eh? Speak up! Stand up straight! Where's your sweater,
you'll catch your death!! Fetch me my tea! If a boy of mine
had hair that long I'd cut it with a razor strop! What'd
you say??!! Did I ever tell about when Cousin Eppie fell
out of a streetcar? Did I tell you about when I broke my
hymen riding a bi-cycle?? Oh, my feet! You've been out in
the sun too long! Where's your hat??!! Uncle Ned? No, that
was Uncle Chud who died of the apoplexy, Uncle Ned married
a Jewish girl. Aunt Sadie? No, it was Aunt Martha who died
of rhubarb poisoning, Aunt Sadie was afraid of Italians.
Where's your sweater??!! Did you know that Elmer
Hindermeyer had a tape-worm? Why, when I was your age I
wore newspapers for shoes--and I was GLAD! Fetch me my
shawl!
Where's my cane??!! What did you say??!! Close the
saloons!! Defeat the Kaiser!! Huzzah!
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Who I Want to Meet:
I enjoy meeting all sorts of people, but I can-not stand a
drunkard.
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How you're connected:
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Aunt Matilda is in your extended network |
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Aunt Matilda |
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i am returning your brass ear-horn
by ox-cart the forth 'morrow. i wiped
it down with linseed oil, as you
asked. and NO, i did NOT use it for
my devilish smoking, and YES, it is
but mere tobacco plant and nothing
else. i swear on a stack of pure king
james bibles (open to leviticus, of
course). ps - may i procure your
leftover potato-water after you've
hilled and boiled the crop? i need to
fashion a poultice for this boil on my
neck, and must moisten the manure
with starchwater. good for bringing
up the infection in order to lance the
head with a white-hot straight razor.
does she. I'd stay away from the
cauldrin when she is hungry though or
you are sure to be the next meal.
Right then.
Cheers to Aunt Matilda!
Is there anything I can do for you?
Did you receive the bag balm I sent?
Just remember your good niece
Aemo when you visit your lawyer next
time! Love and kisses!(PS I quit
drinking like you asked)
ought-niner, back when one could smelt
a ring of ferrous-oxide and fight a
wildcat with a boneknife in the same
afternoon. Alas, she'd have no
skylarking or bearpawing. She called me
blasted carbunkle and swat me with a
hickory switch. Still I persisted. This
was in the era before centerfolds and
other such licentious geegaws, so I
fetishized Miss Matilda with a banana
leaf tied to a stalk of cane sugar. She
had such sunny tresses I wanted to walk
through them barefoot, and I commenced
to rubbing my testemants when I thought
about it. Well, now it's nary ought-
niner in another century, Matilda, and
I can get no firmer than the applesauce
I'm hand-fed. Will, ye still have me
before the dew sets on the hay?
afraid to announce it to the world!
Let's meet at Perkins for dinner at,
say, 4pm (for those early bird
specials!)
to all mature wimmin that one does not
need the companionship of a MAN to get
by in life.
Someday, Gertrude and I simply must
take you to for a visit to the Cape.
Yours
Elaine Fairchild
(Lady)
boiling in that cauldron near the
garden path, but Ethel Gleischer has
started to complain that it's making
her wallpaper peel off. And Edna
Feinguss is in a tizzy because you
tried to smear mustard plaster on her
grandson Jonathan. Matilde... I
realize you're lonely, but boiling
white laundry and smearing poultices
on other people's grandchildren is
simply not the way to make friends.
Ellie can take you to her next
Hadassah meeting. You'll meet some
lovely ladies, and maybe then you'll
stop fiddling with that pump organ you
have that keeps Irma Schindler up all
night.
my Mother abandoned me at a tender age.
I'll always love her my dear Aunt
Matilda. If only I had arms I would hug
you but I don't and besides you'd
probably think it was sinful anyway.
got it! Oh, by the way, sorry about
Great Aunt Hornice.