MichaelPaige Gullivan

Columbine, self-educated

Washington Bible College, Attended - , Class of , Other

putting up with the most charming girl inthe world

"Life ain't easy for a cross-eyed cowgirl" Billy the Magician

(continued from About me: describe yourself) "All right, you motherfuckers! You wanna play dumb, play dumb, but if I ever get out of here, I"LL RIP YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN' THROATS OUT!!!"

A minute later the tiger was dragged out of the van. He looked up to see the courthouse, which was all robotic and eveything by the way. He was whisked inside a courtroom filled with a robotic audience, robotic judges with powdered wigs, robotic lawyers, and most definitely a robotic fucking jury. Before the poor thing could even sit down next to his robotic state's attorney every motherfucking robot in the place yelled, "GUILTY AS MOTHERFUCKING CHARGED!!!!" The tiger whimpered and weeped and turned to his lawyer.Might it be all right if I said something in my own defense?"

The robotic lawyer said it would be all right and motioned for him to do so. The tiger stood up and yanked the powdered wig from his lawyer's head and placed it upon his own as sweet as you please. He turned to the judges sternly seated before him. "Speak, saber tooth tiger, speak, " they chimed.

Robotic ladies and gentlemen, as you can plainly see from my big ass paws and my big ass teeth, I am a saber tooth tiger. I come from a far away land...a far away time. Your laws are strange and foreign to me, and though I am aware enough to realize that in your eyes and in the eyes of your robotic society I have done wrong, I tell you that I have NOT done wrong by the laws of God and the laws of Mother Nature; the laws that have governed me and my kind forever and always, past, present, and future. Take pity on this poor, poor saber tooth tiger. Have empathy, have sympathy; have empathy and sympathy and anything else you might robotically think of for a poor soul like mine that knows not what it does.

The room was silent and then all the robots started crying and weeping and apologizing to the poor sweetheart saber tooth tiger. They all began to run up to him and hug him and cherish him and they placed him on their lil' shoulders like a hero and paraded him around their robotic city and invented a time machine for him and bid him farewell and sent him back to the land where he was born, the land that had raised him and cherished him his whole sweet life, the land that he knew so very well and loved so very very much.Then the boyfriend of the female saber tooth tiger fucking jumped the fuck out of nowhere and whacked his goddamn head off and ate it

THE DAY THE SABER TOOTHED TIGER DIED.
The day the saber toothed tiger died started out like any other day. He woke up, jerked off, then he ate a deer and then he took a nap. When he got up from his nap he was bored and everything, so he decided to do something exciting, if he could find anything exciting to do. He spotted a female saber tooth tiger just minding her own business and strutted up on her to see if he could get her digits.
"I don't have a phone, dummy" she squealed.
"As if I care! What I'm saying is are ya or aren't ya gonna be my girl? Now, what's it gonna bel?"
"I gots a boyfriend saber tooth tiger already, who do you think you are, you dumb shit!"
This made him so mad that he knocked her goddamn head off with one whack.
"Woe is me! What have I done? I knocked her head off with one whack. Fuck! I gotta get the fuck outta here like now!
He fucking bolted for the hills at full saber speed. He ran and ran and ran until he could run no more, and then he walked and then he took a lil' nap and then he ran some more as quick as you please way up into the hills where he found a tree to hide all up in. No one was looking for him yet, but he didn't know it and he was scared and everything and then he fell asleep. Always falling asleep, those tigers, such lazy bones.
When the tiger awoke it was the year 2134. He got down from the tree, which was now made out of a metal alloy, and looked around inquisitively. Just then a robot walked by and the tiger bit him, not that the robot cared so much.
"Quit biting me, I'm sick of it!"
"I'm so sorry, I don't know where my head is."
"It's right there."
"No, ass face, it's a figure of speech."
"Speech is not a figure, it's letters and stuff."
"Shut up, you dummy, or I'll rip your goddamn head off!"
The robot took off running so fast, faster than a cheetah even, but the saber tooth tiger caught up with him and knocked his head off.
"Don't you run from me EVER, ROBOT! I'LL KILL YOUR ASS!!!"

But the robot heard none of this for the robot was a robot and his head was knocked off. A police robot, who had been hiding in the brush, jumped out of his hiding space and as quick as you please dashed some handcuffs onto the saber tooth tiger.
"What are doing? I'm not a robot, I'm a saber tooth tiger!"
"Thou shalt not kill! Thou shalt not kill," wailed the police robot.
"I said I'm a tiger, not Jesus Christ, shithead!!!"
"Thou shalt shut the fuck up! Thou shalt goddamn shut the fuck up or I'll rape your tiger ass, bitch!!!"
This shut the tiger the fuck up. He wept silently as the police robot chucked him none too nicely into the back of a robotic police van that had just pulled up.

Inside the van it was pitch black and the tiger was scared.
"Who's in here? Please, oh please tell me if somebody's in here, please?"
No one said a word but the saber tooth tiger knew some people were in there of his keen sense of smell...
(cont'd. in hobbies & interests)