Friends

May 2008

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The word “gay” is NOT to be used as an adjective to describe things you dislike. ---The fact that you hear this use of the word “gay” all the time doesn’t mean its right. You don’t go around saying that things you don’t like are “Jewish” or “black” or any other class of people, so what makes you think it’s OK to denigrate gay people by making an improper use of the English language?

Your gay acquaintances are not necessarily automatically interested in you just because they’re gay. ---This should be pretty obvious. Think about the girls in your school (if you attend a co-ed school): you’re not interested in all of them, and not all of the girls are interested in you, right? Why would this be any different for gay boys?

If a gay acquaintance tells u that he thinks u are attractive, hot, etc., or says he’s interested in you, even sexually, there is no reason to be offended.---Think about it: your gay friend has just complimented you on being a good-looking, “sexy” young man, at least by his standards. Honestly, you really ought to be flattered by the fact that he thinks so highly of you in one way or another. Even if he admits to you that you are the object of his masturbation fantasies, there is no reason to be threatened by that — while I admit that is a bit too much information for most people, exactly how are you harmed by that? When you have sexual fantasies about some girl, she doesn’t suffer any harm from that, right? (Being male, you understand how often young men think about sex; the only difference between straight guys & gay guys is the gender of the people in their fantasies.)

It is totally possible to have platonic (non-sexual) friendships with gay acquaintances.
---This isn’t too hard to do. As long as you make it clear at the outset that sex is a boundary you’re not willing to cross, and he is able to accept that, nothing is different from your friendships with other straight young men, or with young women you’re not attracted to, for that matter. If you can have a friendship with a girl, particularly a straight one, in which sex is not a component of the relationship, why should it be any different in regards to befriending gay boys?

No matter what you think about “gay” sex, your gay acquaintances are gay 24 / 7 / 365, not just when they’re messing around. ---This is to say, being gay encompasses FAR more than simply having sex with another person of the same gender. Your gay acquaintances need not be talking or even thinking about sex to be gay — homosexuality is a full-time state of being, not a behavior. It is not merely an issue of what goes on in one’s bedroom; gay people have interests, hobbies, and activities all across the spectrum that may or may not be motivated by their sexual orientation, but have nothing at all to do with having sex itself. Some gay guys may be into fashion; others travel or geography; still others may be into cars; some others political activism; & yes, even sports can be a major interest of gay guys.

Any “religious” objections you may have to homosexuality are not welcomed by gay people who have already heard them a million times. Keep them to yourself. --- I am not trying to tell anybody that they cannot have whatever religious beliefs they desire; rather, I am reiterating the point that your beliefs are just that — your own, not anybody else’s — and are not to be applied to anybody else by force. If you are Christian, Luke 10:10-12 instructs you to leave any place where your beliefs are unwelcome, shaking its dust off your feet, and letting God handle the judgment of those who didn’t welcome you. Furthermore, do you honestly think you’re going to be the first person to tell a gay friend the things you claim God “says” about them? Believe me, he/she has already heard it from a myriad of sources: perhaps they have parents or extended families that are less than supportive of gay people, or their minister or preacher has hammered the point ad nauseam, or they have overheard teachers & school administrators unthinkingly make cruel comments. Stop beating a dead horse, and keep your “religious” beliefs to yourself.

To the greatest extent you are comfortable, be courageous & take actions that show your unwavering care & concern for gay people & their full dignity and humanity. ---Often times, gay teenagers feel as though they are unworthy to continue living; their parents or family may have rejected them, and they may have also been rejected by many or most of the friends they once had. Studies have shown that gay & lesbian teenagers are two times more likely than straight teenagers are to plan their own deaths, and three times more likely to actually attempt suicide. Deep inside, you know that it is wrong to condemn somebody to emotional despair or even death, but the fear of being labeled “gay” by a few ignorant peers may paralyze you from taking much-needed action.

You need to grow a set of gonads and take a courageous stand in support of your gay acquaintances, and show them that even when nobody else gives a damn about them, you still do. More accurately, your gay acquaintances may literally be dying for you to do so. As shown in Rules #2 and #3, doing this does not make you gay, nor does it mean you have to forgo friendships with other straight people. Yes, a few ignorant “friends” will probably condemn you for it, or try to label you as “gay,” but think about it: are people like that really the kind of friends you want to have?

Being supportive of your gay acquaintances also doesn’t mean you have to learn about or like certain sexual activities that you may think are “gay” in nature. (Besides, a lot of heterosexuals engage in the same activities anyway, though some won’t admit it.) At the same time, your gay acquaintance probably isn’t terribly interested in what you do in your car’s back seat with your girlfriend, so it isn’t appropriate for you to go on and on about that either. What you do with your girlfriend is no more right or wrong than what he may do with his boyfriend, as long as all other surrounding factors (such as consent, emotional intimacy, etc.) are equal.

Do not suggest in any way, even implicitly, that your gay acquaintances are choosing to be gay. --- Even if you have difficulties associating with girls, being gay is not “an easy way out.”
The Muppets character Kermit the Frog once famously uttered, “It isn’t easy being green.” Your gay acquaintances are in much the same boat; it isn’t easy being gay. Not all people are as accepting of gay and lesbian people as I hope you are, and your gay acquaintance surely knows that. He may have parents or extended family who would disown him if they found out he was gay; he almost certainly fears one or more anti-gay bullies at your school; and he doesn’t have anywhere near the dating opportunities you have as a straight young man (simply because of the relative numbers of straight guys and gay guys). You may very well be seen as a “nerd” and have little to no luck with women, and you may very well feel that it is nearly impossible to please women despite your best efforts, but your gay friend is most certainly not taking the easier path by not courting women. Nobody in their right mind would “choose” to be gay, given all of the prejudice, hatred, and even violence floating around society. Besides, when did you ever “choose” to be heterosexual?

Your gay acquaintances are just as capable of accomplishing all the things you can do, assuming similar levels of natural talent and applied effort. --- In other words, a person’s natural talents for certain things — athletic pursuits, academic success, music/art/theatre, etc. — do not change because he/she is gay or lesbian. Sure, chances are you’ll find more “out” gay boys in performing arts, and fewer in athletics, but this is largely a function of how easy it is to be “out” in various contexts. (For example, a football player may fear being beaten by his teammates if he comes out to them.) However, it’s important not to lose sight of the fact that it’s entirely possible (even if you don’t know it, and/or he won’t admit it) that, say, your school’s quarterback might be gay. Assuming he possesses the proper natural talents (e.g., he is fast, he’s not just skin and bones, etc.) and he puts in the effort that is expected of him, he is just as capable as any straight young man would be.